I am writing this post on my phone in my bed with all the lights off and my sister snoring in her bed next to me. I was really sleepy as I am a bit poorly at the moment with a viral throat infection, but I got in bed, my head hit the pillow and boom, I'm wide awake with a gazillion thoughts zooming around my brain. Why does that happen? Why does our brain want to do all it's big life thinking late at night when all your body wants to do is sleep? I guess it's something we all experience, I experience it a lot at the moment. Maybe because my life feels like it's at a cross roads, maybe because my mood is up and down like a yo yo or maybe just because late at night is when our brains think best, without all the noise and distraction of daytime.
I was lying here thinking that losing someone you love is a bizarre experience and that it's not something I think I'll ever be truly accustomed to. I mean I know my Dad died. I watched it happen. I was there. But I have moments where I genuinely don't believe it happened, that really I dreamed or imagined it. In those moments I believe with all my heart that my Dad is in bed, in the room next door to mine, with my Mum, where he should be. Or at work counting the minutes until he can come home. In those moments I don't believe he's not here because how can he not be? How can the person who is partly responsible for my existence just no longer exist himself? It's so hard to fathom and I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with any answer to that age old question of why?
I think it helps to put these thoughts into words, actual sentences which mean something. Well at least a little, maybe I'll sleep now.
Ciao for now...
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