The Worst Post Ever.

Ciao,

I have been absent from ye olde bloggersphere for about 2 and a half months. I have thought about writing this post so many times in the last few weeks but I couldn't bring myself to actually sit down and type the words.

Sadly, on 9th April my wonderfully strong Dad lost his battle with Cancer and passed away. I still cant quite put into words how I feel about this and how I'm coping with losing such a monumental person in my life. It has been a very strange few months, I returned to work 2 weeks after he passed away and have in many ways gone back to 'normal' life. Although what is normal life? And really how normal can your life ever be when you have experienced something as traumatic as a parent dying? To be honest when I think about it I felt my entire life shift and change the day I found out my Dad had Cancer and again a week later when I found out it couldn't be cured. Everything changed for me in that moment, both my immediate future and my distant future changed in a way I never expected. I'd never understood what people really meant by 'time stood still' or when they say that you can relive a memory with such clarity and detail that it feels completely real as if you're reliving it. I'd never understood that until those moments, and time really does stand still and I can remember many moments of my life over the past 6 months with such detail that it's scary. In these moments I can honestly say that I felt my mindset change and I truly believe that I will never be the person I was a year ago again.

 

June has been a really hard month and will be every year for the rest of my life. Fathers Day always falls in June and is always near to my Dad's birthday which was yesterday. It's hard everyday to deal with the absence of someone in your life but it's especially hard on special days like birthdays. I found yesterday very difficult, in a way I am extremely angry that my Dad didn't reach his 51st birthday or any of the subsequent birthdays. He was too young to be taken away, just like so many others who have Cancer. I try as hard as I can to stay positive and keep moving forward, just like my Dad wanted me to, but on days like birthdays and Fathers day it's difficult to see past your grief and sadness.

 

I am sure I will post more on my Dad and how I am dealing with my grief. There are also events which happened around his death which I want to record as I am afraid I'll forget them but I will save that for another post.

 

I love you always Daddy.

 

Ciao for now...